So, here goes nothing…

I’m not supposed to write about my ex, as things are up in the air. I wish I could. I wish I could rant and rave and have a nice babble-filled freak out on here just to relieve some of the massive frustration and pain that seems to make up my very being. But I have a child to think of, to protect from as much of this shitstorm of general horribleness and hurt and confusion and sorrow as possible. I also can’t write much, or rather, won’t write much about my child because I have a healthy fear of all the horrible things in the world, especially what all you can find out about people on the ‘net. This last bit has only grown as I’ve become the resident genealogy nut in┬ámy generation of my family. I mean, just using google to look up past family members is beyond helpful, but gah! A little too easy.

Anyway, this blog, or site, whatever you want to call it, is about, and for me. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it, but right now I am hurting very, very much, and I am very, very scared of all the brand-new unknowns of my future. Two months ago, I was told that I could wear my engagement ring on my finger again (I had worn it on a necklace during our “temporary separation”). Then we came home two days later from visiting my parents and all my partner’s things were gone when he picked us up at the airport. Now things are crazy and terrifying and I feel very lost, but as I am a parent I need to “buckle up, buttercup” about it.

And I need to cool it with the massive amounts of ice cream, brownies, and pasta that we’ve been eating. I wish I had my kid’s metabolism.

So…I guess I’ll try this out, see if it’s a more healthy outlet. Sleeping would also help, but trying to fills me with anxiety and nightmares which I wake up from and oh wait! They’re real. Ugh.

I turned my claddagh ring around. It’s freaking me out quite a bit, actually. Even at Christmastime, he told me that he loved that I never stopped wearing that ring. I don’t see how you can promise so many things to your partner of 9 years and your child all the while you’re apparently making promises to someone else. I mean people do it, but you don’t lie to your child. You just don’t. That is something that just does not compute with me, nor will it ever.

I keep reaching to fiddle with my rings mindlessly, then suddenly realizing that one’s gone, and one’s facing the wrong way. I dislike it, but I thought it might be the first step to moving on. Which I am still convinced that I never will- when I love someone, I love with my whole heart, my whole soul, really. I am loyal, always.

I am a Hufflepuff, you know.

Well, that’s enough about that. General idea, lots of crying, or trying to not cry in fron of my child. Power through it when he’s awake, break apart when he’s at school or asleep. I need to protect him from as much of this as I can. I wish he never had to experience this in his life. I know, so many people do, but god, I wish for it to not be us.

Where’s the Doctor and the TARDIS when you need them?

I think maybe I’ll write about any travels or fun area activities that we do. It sounds fun! Maybe I’ll include the songs that are stuck in my head, or ones that are resonating with me that day that I remember that I have this bloggy thing. So…that’s all for now I guess.

TTFN!

-J

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